Why didn’t you sing? 

she asked me 

after the song 

after the choir 

after the black PowerPoint screens 

and the organ music 

and the half-full pews 

and the quiet that came with asking for grand things 

that part of me knew we would not receive. 

Why didn’t you sing? 

It made her feel self-conscious, she said 

To be the only one of us two singing 

I agreed, 

and I wanted to apologize 

because it’s a lonely and frightening thing 

to sing alone. 

I don’t remember what I said 

That I was self-conscious 

That I was tired 

I don’t know 

But the truth was that the words felt unfitting in my mouth 

and false 

and I didn’t want to 

I was embarrassed 

because before there was a light in me 

and a fire 

and now? 

Now, I can barely feel it there at all.